A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul