A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her