Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else