@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

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@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@JayElem00

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@JillianKarger

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@GirlsNoteBook

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”