Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Help Wanted
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I don’t think my car can fly
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot