Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Seems kinda suspicious
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.