Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.