Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
cry laughing at this shit
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Me: A large rat
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
So what’s your name?
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.
Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”