Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Close call…
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I’d walk over cotton balls for you