New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem