Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The days of good grammer has went
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?