I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER