The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
People buying plungers never look happy.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.