I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.