i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.