Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?