Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Shoo shoo! 😂
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️