Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills