Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“you changed” bro i was 15
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Who says great literature is dead?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?