hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
New Tinder profile.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Put this video in the Louvre
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”