“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Europe. Made in Germany.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.