Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh