#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

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This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.


Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.


Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.


Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan


I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*


It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.


“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy