#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.