@AshGamesAcct

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

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@noog

This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.

@weinerdog4life

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

@BobTheSuit

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@Lola_Areola

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

@WhatsHerFace33

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy