Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️