You Might Also Like
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
absolutely not
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
meow
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good