Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.