The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
blocked.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it