what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath