I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.