I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.