MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”