Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The Sun
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
me and my fake scenarios
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…