Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
never ask a starfish for directions
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly