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Always…
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.