The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
not for long
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.