If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.