kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
🖤✌🏽
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails