Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
PLOT TWIST:
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.