If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.