After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Worst Native American name ever.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers