me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You Might Also Like
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”