A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.