Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
a badder mouse
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily