Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
✌🏽
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?