*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.