Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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