Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
What’s so funny?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”