Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
this post was so formative to me
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.