don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
eggs benadryl
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
🤣
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My purse is deeper than some people.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.