don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Jesus Christ lmao
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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