JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.