it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
What the dentist sees
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”