Ok, but like, how married are you?
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.