[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.