@noog

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

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@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@egg_dog

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

@un_d_ciphered

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

@24HourBitching

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

@SondraDeeMe

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”