@RowdyBowden Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@noog God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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@RowdyBowden 
@egg_dog UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
@un_d_ciphered If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
@UnFitz Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
@Reverend_Scott DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@laurenmacdonald Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
@junejuly12 Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
@24HourBitching Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
@SondraDeeMe I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
@SteveKoehler22 I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”