God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Expect the unexporcupine.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?