In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I should have stayed in kindergarten.