Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

idk what he going thru but i feel him

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.