Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.