Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[eulogy]
line?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Tremendous stuff
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“I wouldn’t.”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah